Beer: A Review

And the road takes me full circle, and I've come back to the place from whence I departed here in Asia--Bangkok. And it's still raining, and I'm still inhaling the equivalent of seven pounds of exhaust with every step I take. Headed down south to Ko Lanta from here.... an island off the west coast. The beach is calling me.

After another day of travel yesterday, I made it to my guesthouse here and sat down for a meal and a beer. Beer. I like it. The way it tastes, the way it never looks at me strangely, the way it never judges me. I've tried quite a few different ones here in SE Asia... and here are my thoughts on their respective characters:

Tiger Beer -- A middle-of-the-road staple, average at best. More expensive than it should be. Seems warm, even when chilled. There are rumors that it is fortified with the tears of tigers, which are said to make you nimble and brave. Actually, there are no such rumors, but there should be. I am going to start a rumor about that.

Singha Beer -- Honorable but underachieving. Good, but not great. No special ingredients to make it more appealing. The beer-next-door; the one that everyone thinks is so nice but that still plays Dungeons and Dragons goes to Star Trek conventions. This beer is, sadly, a dork.

Chang Beer -- Conniving. Very tasty, but causes vicious hangovers, even if you've only had a couple. Chang is the life-of-the-party beer, making everyone laugh, until you wake up the next morning and notice that your wallet is gone and you don't have any eyebrows.

Angkor Beer -- Unique, and a bit sweeter. Like its ancient namesake, it's pretty elaborate. Kind of cocky, too. Thinks it's pretty tough, doesn't it? Well, screw it.... I changed my mind. It's a bad beer. Not unique at all. I made that up.

Ha Noi Beer -- An underdog, the "Rudy" of SE Asian beers. Just a little fella. Can't find it too far from Hanoi, but it's strong and good and doesn't assume anything. It's just happy that you drink it, and is glad of the opportunity to provide you with refreshment. Good for you, Ha Noi Beer, Good for you. Proud of ya.

And, the daddy of 'em all, winning top honors:

Beerlao -- Tastes great, no hangovers, pure as a mountain stream. This beer's a bad ass. It could bench press Cincinnati...tie strings to tanks and use 'em as yo-yo's. It is People Magazine's Sexiest Beer Alive. This beer says no to Oprah. The one tragic, and ironic, truth? It is perhaps the only one worthy of drinking itself, but it can't drink itself.